HI, THIS IS WHERE I TALK ABOUT NEXT GREAT AMERICAN BAND, SO IF YOU HAVEN’T WATCHED IT YET AND DON’T WANT TO BE SPOILED, I’D ADVISE YOU NOT TO READ ANYTHING PAST THIS SENTENCE.
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Tres Bien! goes home tonight because America hates me and wants me to be unhappy. Actually, they probably went home because I couldn’t vote last week because I was at a concert, and since only like 40 people are watching, I’m sure they were really dependent on my votes. I’M SORRY, TRES BIEN! Go add them on myspace and support them, because they are wonderful.
John wore a hot shirt tonight. At least someone still loves me.
In the clips of last week’s show, they showed Sheila saying, “I want to hear it again!” about Sixwire, even though John and Dicko both gave them shit for being boring. But was anyone really expecting unbiased reporting from FOX? Additionally: Denver comes out of the Christian closet this week. Apparently, Rod Stewart is too sexy for wholesome guys like the Mile High Orchestra. Dude, Rod Stewart is like seventy. Trust me when I say that there is nothing even remotely sexy about him anymore.
Phone numbers:
Dot Dot Dot (866) 856-8301
Denver + MHO (866) 856-8302
Sixwire (866) 856-8303
Clark Bros (866) 856-8304
Light of Doom (866) 856-8305
Dot Dot Dot - Young Turks
I’ve been seeing a lot of comments about how people who perform first on these shows are more likely to get kicked off. I don’t know if that’s because people tune in late, or maybe they don’t remember the early performances by the end of the show. Either way, I hope Sixwire performs next week. If they even last that long. But of course they will, because America HATES ME. You know, I think I’d miss Dot Dot Dot if they went, because if we’re going to be left with bands I don’t like, at least this one’s moderately interesting.
They definitely get better all the time, but I just don’t like their sound, that creepy, synthy stuff. It’s like Denver, they’re an awesome big band, but they’re a big band, so, you know. These guys could be the most technically accomplished 80s synth pop band in the world, but 80s synth pop still sucks.
Denver - Baby Jane
Tired of him. Sometimes I think he’s cute, and sometimes I think he’s smarmy. He sounds good, and the band sounds good, and they sound exactly the same as they have every single week since the show’s begun. I think this is the most big band I’ve ever listened to in my life, and enough is enough.
I like John saying “it wasn’t so wedding bandish,” because that’s fucking totally what they run the risk of sounding like. Sheila has an orgasm over the performance and asks them if it’s hard to have faith and be in a band or some other irrelevant, invasive question that makes them dodge and duck and weave and never really answer. And then Dicko tries to criticize, and Sheila interrupts because she always needs to be in the spotlight shouting her opinions over everyone else’s. And Dicko is like, “If you think sixty-two year old Rod Stewart is too sexy, have fun with Pussycat Dolls night next week.” Oh Dicko, you own my heart.
Sixwire - Hot Legs
Seriously, why will he not cut his hair? I’m gonna start taking it personally. But it fits Rod Stewart week, because they’re both creepy and unsettling and singing songs that I don’t want to hear from them. I like that one dude, the guy with the dark curly hair. He looks kind of like Korel? I don’t know.
Seriously, make this stop. They went from being a boring, mediocre country band to being a boring, mediocre bar band. John jokes that he will be opening for Sixwire someday. John, I have stuck by you through all kinds of shit, but that will be the day that I finally give up on you. John and Dicko both give them shit for a bass solo, and Sheila blah blah I don’t even remember how she kissed their ass this week, but I’m sure that it was as saccharine and off-base as always.
Clark Bros - You’re In My Heart
I see you wearing a Salvage shit during the interview, Ashley. He dresses a lot like John, I’ve noticed.
I think the vocals were kind of off right at the beginning, but he pulled it together. I love the dobro and the mandolin. I could listen to this kind of modern bluegrass all day, no lie. I like their uptempo stuff more, but this was obviously great anyway. If they don’t win, I’m going to be severely annoyed. John says, “A song like that is going to make guys hate you and women love you.” Sheila is LITERALLY CRYING, to the point that she can’t even talk, and it’s hilarious. I cannot even put into words how hysterical it is. I mean, are you fucking kidding me? They were good, but fucking come on, that’s a bit over the top. Dicko says they can add more band member if they want, even at this point in the competition, and I will be very excited if there are some more hot Clark brothers next week.
Light Of Doom - Infatuation
Go away, go to school, etc. etc. Let’s talk about Tres Bien! instead. Dominic says, “Michael, Dicko said last week that you’re the strongest frontman in this competition.” Michael says, “That’s not true, I can only benchpress like ninety pounds.” I love them! They’re so cute and adorable, and I want to keep them forever. John tells them to get in a van and use their momentum from the show to play crappy clubs all over the country. Dude, I’d be there. And then Sheila says something generic and insincere, whatever. They’re really gracious and adorable about leaving. I’m going to miss them a lot, this sucks.
Light of Doom dedicate their performance to Tres Bien! I don’t know, that’s kinda ouch to me. Here we go, yet another dated-sounding metal cover, blah blah, go home. Um, is their lead singer wearing bondage pants?
Queen next week. Dot Dot Dot will have a lot of incredibly campy songs to choose from, so I guess they’re happy. Denver will do Crazy Little Thing Called Love, and they will be boring, and I’ll hate them. If Light of Doom does Fat Bottomed Girls, I am going to lose my shit.